1. "For realsies, I can't do anything cause she's too ugly. It'd be like slapping a midget for being short."
2. "robbery and rape is hilarious, btw."
3. "what kind of douche bag pisses off Bill Murray?"
4. "put a baby blocker in your lady locker!"
5. "i only like doing that when i have porn and a shaved vagina."
6. "boys with Justin bieber hair (justin bieber included) are fucktards. there, i said it."
7. "why are you rubbing me like a fuckin' lamp?"
8. "Somedays, you just want to fart in the privacy of your own home."
9. "Absence makes the dick grow harder."
10. "Snap, snap. Jeopardy's on."
11. "i have goosebumps from the gayness in here."
12. "Don't put handcuffs on the dog."
13. "Maybe I should take a nap there. I want to do it. Plus we can make the stroganoff."
14. "I enjoyed my sundae on Sunday. And by sundae, I mean the chocolate syrup and whipped cream on my boyfriend."
15. (whispering) "It's so big, Renee. It's so big."
16. "apparently, a requisite you must possess to play in the NBA is the ability to cry on cue."
17. "Who wants to be the person that rejects the midget? not me."
18. "Friction is a great way to describe it. It is burning, burning, burning."
19. "It would be great if you wouldn't puke on me during sex."
20. "He thinks my animal noises suck." "Pick your battles. Let him win that one. No offense, he's probably right."
21. "How was your weekend?" "Great. I went to a hoe-down and a woolly worm fest."
22. "My parents were swingers." "That doesn't surprise me. I mean that in the nicest way possible."
23. "You lost more than your beer cup, you lost your innocence."
24. "I'm glad my vagina is nicer than pizza." "It's much nicer."
25. "I'm gonna rub one out and my dick is gonna be like, 'oh, you again?'"
26. "Why does your mom walk the streets?" "Because she's lonely."
27. "I'll show you my veloca raptor impression." "Let's not rush things."
28. "What if your vag was a monster?" "I'd say don't wake up the monster unless you're going to feed it."
29. "Thank goodness I'm not a guy, this hand injury would totally put a damper on my jackin' off."
30. "You're a bunch of imperfections brought together in a masterpiece." "Yeah, well, you're a fucktard."
31. "He looked at me like 'how do you end up face down in a parking lot?' Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later."
32. "I'm gonna stop talking now because it's too early to be punched in the baby maker."
33. "I don't think I could take John Mayer seriously in bed. I think I'd have one eye open on that guy the whoooooole time."
34. "I feel like doing something romantic. What, you don't think I can make a damn cookie?!"
35. "His smooches are going to your head. Who are you?"
36. "I don't want her to leave. Let's just lock her in a closet with her boyfriend, her dog, and a bunch of booze. That'll keep her."
37. "Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath."
38. "I mean it was the whole ten minutes... it was like...hey, quit writing this down!"
39. "The teacher said it's usually afraid of kids and it jumps away from them. It fell asleep on her and he was really surprised."
40. "Kissing is not a necessity on the first date." "You're right, sometimes they charge for that."
41. "School bus seats don't give very much. No, not the driver's seat. The passenger's seat."
42. "She can't be quiet during sex so I had to fuck her in the backseat at night. Hello, high school flashback."
43. "I think it had something to do with me pretending I was a T-rex."
44. "Quit meowing at me!"
45. "Everyday you make me grateful that I don't have daughters."
46. "Don't come in! There's a snake loose!"
47. "I think it's pretty smart to know how to ward off a gator attack. Just in case."
48. "That would be sweet if you came right when your team scores- like all the cheering is for you and even your QB is celebrating."
49. "He told me he's not into anal. I'm into the fact that he's not into anal."
50. "I thought it'd bring joy to your day." "It brought disgust to my day."
51. "So I was on a work call, sitting next to my boss, I slid him a note that said 'Ask him to email us a picture. He sounds hot.' "
52. "Hey, is my dress cute or slutty?" "It's cute." "Thanks." "If you're a slut."
53. "Did a goat lick the side of his head?"
54. "son of a bitch, there's gravy in my bed."
55. "I may or may not have told my boss it was a total clusterfuck."
56. "Tropical Storm Danny was just categorized as a disorganized piece of garbage."
57. "I told him I wanted a kitty for Christmas, but he got me a fish. So, I named him Kitty."
58. "I'm gonna impregnate me a white woman tonight."
59. "I like living with her and all, but now that she's gone I can go back to doing what I do best, giving blow jobs."
60. "Put it by my mouth and I'll do it."
61. "Clown porn is a romantic comedy."
62. "I'm drinking boxed wine because I'm classy. Like the rose of the trailer park."
63. "You smell like a girl today. Why don't you come in my office and we can shut the blinds?"
64. "NO, I don't want to buy fucking diapers for her baby shower. It's a matter of principle."
65. "Last night I watched a special on the 21 Sexiest Beaches. I want to go to all 21 of those beaches."
66. "I felt like your stupid snake was getting lonely so I talked to her for awhile." "Snakes don't have ears. She heard nothing."