Friday, July 23, 2010

I got schooled by the dove man.

I was one-upped at my own game. I'm impressed. Touche, Captain. Touche.

WHITE DOVES trained to return home (NE Florida)

Date: 2010-07-21, 12:24AM EDT
Reply to:


Birthdays, Weddings, Funerals, and even a make a wish date dove release. Very low prices. This is a craft that takes years to facilitate. Don't get caught up with the low lifes that take stray white birds and send them to certain death without being trained. White Bird Releases. com is here because we take great care in training our birds to race home. This harnesses the normal ability of a homing bird to haul boogy back to safety of home and family or mate. Retired military, this is what I do. I am proud of the service provided and happy to extend the privilege of the flight of these birds to you. Give me a call for any questions. Captain xxxxxxxxx

My email to the Captain:
Do your birds, by chance, carry messages? I want to break up with my girlfriend and I think having a letter brought to her by a dove would be a sweet way to end 4 years of abuse and torture from that woman. Please let me know asap. I can't take much more of her crap, so the sooner, the better.
J. Dimsmore

Captain's response to me:
Tell ya what mate, we can make a video and send it to her that you set a bird free... I'll even narrate a video with me or me in it addressing her that you are releasing her devil spirit ass. It's what the release means to you is how it is defined. A release can be your closure. I'll publish a video for the world to see and do a full scale production for ya for $150. Lets hook up and I'll write something real nice and deliver the harpoon. She apparently does not appreciate you so let's get on with it and exclude her from your life. Call me mate it's too easy. This requires about 4-5 hours of time so it'll be $150, you'll be proud of it and I can send it from a blackbag location if you want. Standing by to commence operation get Fu%@!*d Biotch. Make 5 Operations out. 904-xxx-xxxx.


There are no words.

Friday, July 16, 2010

Book of “Southern Lamentations” by Mark Reasoner

Magnificus that a savior rode from the east to take the field
and lead the warriors in orange. The masses rejoiced in their
great fortune and Urbanus Magnificus ruled that all the peoples
in the land of Gatoria should bow and kneel before the
chosen one. Decrees went out from all of the sporting scribes
and tellers of the truth that all nations should pay homage to
him. And that he shall be anointed with the sacred oils on
the altar of Heisman — not once, but several times.

And thus it was that the chosen and anointed one, the sainted Tebow, would arise and lead the armies of Gatoria into battle against the minions of the other lands. And glory would follow for several years. All was good and righteous in the nation.
In the third cycle of the sainted Tebow’s time, it became known that several nations did not — nor would not — pay the desired homage to the new Messiah. “He hath not the tossing skills,” said the commentator of Ess-Pin land,“Nor doth his height reach to the desired level.” “His fellow fighters are the true carriers of the banners,” another said, “And without them, Tebow cannot deliver his armies from Gatoria unto the BCS finale.” There ensued a great hue and cry from Gatoria when these words were heard and the multitudes looked then to their savior for guidance and deliverance. Even Urbanus Magnificus looked to the chosen one. And when rebel forces hurled back the nation’s forces, the Gatorians again looked to Tebow. “What shall we do?”
they wailed. “I shall work all the harder,” the chosen one spoke unto the ultitudes, “No one shall strive harder than I. I shall hoist the Gatorian armies upon my shoulders and carry them forward unto the Promised Land. For I have been chosen to save this land and to bring glory and honor and crystalline oblongs to lay at the feet of Urbanus Magnificus.” And the people of Gatoria rejoiced and were thence inspired to again take up the banners and follow Tebow once more. They even inscribed his words into stone and placed them where all could look upon them and reflect and take inspiration. The sporting scribes and tellers of truth once more sent out decrees, saying, “Glorify Tebow all ye nations of the gridiron. Render unto him the images in bronze and anoint him with the sacred oils. For Tebow is all that is good and pure.” But the other nations followed not these decrees. Then from the west there came warriors clad in deepest red, to fight the Gatorians for the cycle’s supremacy. The battle was waged long and hard, though in the end, the words of Tebow rang true. He hoisted his followers upon his shoulders and carried them through.
All Gatoria expected their chosen one to be re-anointed with the sacred oils, but
when another was selected in his stead; the people wailed and cried out for justice.
Tebow appeared before them one final time and said, “Fear not. For I shall return again to lead Gatoria’s righteous throng. We shall again go unto the Promised Land.”
And so the time of Gatoria’s savior entered into its fourth cycle. And the people raised Tebow up as more than just their sainted leader. They gave unto him
the mantle of Messiah and chosen one. And the new Messiah led his armies of Gatoria again. From the Rocky Topped mountains unto the Valley of Death they marched. Across the tiger plains where war eagles flew and through the Messiah’s homeland itself, where the sinners imbibed bacchanalian concoctions. And through it all, the people rejoiced — singing “Hosanna to Tim in huddle, and in the polls, first place and a trip to Pasadena.” Once more it was written by the sporting scribes, and spoken by the tellers of truth, that this chosen one — this new Messiah — must be sanctified and deified before the altar of Heisman. “Indeed, let him be canonized,” they cried, “He is a worker of miracles.” Pontifically, though, it was not to be. The scribes and tellers had not considered that Tebow did not meet the other two of three conditions. He was neither Catholic nor deceased. Once more their rantings and laments were not heard for the other lands would not listen. Neither would they follow. Then there rose an ominous tide. Dark crimson in color and led by the evil
Saban. It rolled mightily from out of its western realm, conquering many of the same armies that Tebow and his Gatorians had vanquished. And as the Gatorian forces of light led by Tebow marched on toward their goal, the dark crimson hordes of Saban also marched — calling out unto the Gatorians to stand and fight. So it was that Tebow answered the call and went to do battle with Saban’s evil hordes. Into that Atlantan Cavernous Dome they came. Gatorians clad in raiment of white against the crimson hued forces of the Rolling Tide. As the battle was joined, Tebow exhorted his followers to stand firm and thwart the beasts Saban sent, but they could not. He rallied his minions to stem the blitzing tide of on-rushing fiends, lest those uscaloosans hasten the demise of the Gatorian crusade. But they failed — again and again on third downs. And so once more the chosen one spread his arms wide and lifted up the entire nation to carry them onward into the final onslaught. But when it was over, the crimson hordes had rolled on two and thirty over Tebow’s throng.
From every throat and every breast in Gatoria rose great wailings of despair.
And on the field where the evil Sabanites reveled and cried with joy, there was only
silence from Gatoria’s chosen one. The Messiah wept.

Friday, May 14, 2010

Say whaaaat?

I'm terribly amused by "out of context" sentences or "quotes of the day". I've compiled a list of my favorite OOC's and QOD's. They are all anonymous, and some may be said by me, but most are from other people. You guys crack me up.

1. "For realsies, I can't do anything cause she's too ugly. It'd be like slapping a midget for being short."
2. "robbery and rape is hilarious, btw."
3. "what kind of douche bag pisses off Bill Murray?"
4. "put a baby blocker in your lady locker!"
5. "i only like doing that when i have porn and a shaved vagina."
6. "boys with Justin bieber hair (justin bieber included) are fucktards. there, i said it."
7. "why are you rubbing me like a fuckin' lamp?"
8. "Somedays, you just want to fart in the privacy of your own home."
9. "Absence makes the dick grow harder."
10. "Snap, snap. Jeopardy's on."
11. "i have goosebumps from the gayness in here."
12. "Don't put handcuffs on the dog."
13. "Maybe I should take a nap there. I want to do it. Plus we can make the stroganoff."
14. "I enjoyed my sundae on Sunday. And by sundae, I mean the chocolate syrup and whipped cream on my boyfriend."
15. (whispering) "It's so big, Renee. It's so big."
16. "apparently, a requisite you must possess to play in the NBA is the ability to cry on cue."
17. "Who wants to be the person that rejects the midget? not me."
18. "Friction is a great way to describe it. It is burning, burning, burning."
19. "It would be great if you wouldn't puke on me during sex."
20. "He thinks my animal noises suck." "Pick your battles. Let him win that one. No offense, he's probably right."
21. "How was your weekend?" "Great. I went to a hoe-down and a woolly worm fest." "I was in Kentucky." "Yep, that makes sense."
22. "My parents were swingers." "That doesn't surprise me. I mean that in the nicest way possible."
23. "You lost more than your beer cup, you lost your innocence."
24. "I'm glad my vagina is nicer than pizza." "It's much nicer."
25. "I'm gonna rub one out and my dick is gonna be like, 'oh, you again?'"
26. "Why does your mom walk the streets?" "Because she's lonely."
27. "I'll show you my veloca raptor impression." "Let's not rush things."
28. "What if your vag was a monster?" "I'd say don't wake up the monster unless you're going to feed it."
29. "Thank goodness I'm not a guy, this hand injury would totally put a damper on my jackin' off."
30. "You're a bunch of imperfections brought together in a masterpiece." "Yeah, well, you're a fucktard."
31. "He looked at me like 'how do you end up face down in a parking lot?' Well, it was bound to happen sooner or later."
32. "I'm gonna stop talking now because it's too early to be punched in the baby maker."
33. "I don't think I could take John Mayer seriously in bed. I think I'd have one eye open on that guy the whoooooole time."
34. "I feel like doing something romantic. What, you don't think I can make a damn cookie?!"
35. "His smooches are going to your head. Who are you?"
36. "I don't want her to leave. Let's just lock her in a closet with her boyfriend, her dog, and a bunch of booze. That'll keep her."
37. "Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath."
38. "I mean it was the whole ten minutes... it was like...hey, quit writing this down!"
39. "The teacher said it's usually afraid of kids and it jumps away from them. It fell asleep on her and he was really surprised."
40. "Kissing is not a necessity on the first date." "You're right, sometimes they charge for that."
41. "School bus seats don't give very much. No, not the driver's seat. The passenger's seat."
42. "She can't be quiet during sex so I had to fuck her in the backseat at night. Hello, high school flashback."
43. "I think it had something to do with me pretending I was a T-rex."
44. "Quit meowing at me!"
45. "Everyday you make me grateful that I don't have daughters."
46. "Don't come in! There's a snake loose!"
47. "I think it's pretty smart to know how to ward off a gator attack. Just in case."
48. "That would be sweet if you came right when your team scores- like all the cheering is for you and even your QB is celebrating."
49. "He told me he's not into anal. I'm into the fact that he's not into anal."
50. "I thought it'd bring joy to your day." "It brought disgust to my day."
51. "So I was on a work call, sitting next to my boss, I slid him a note that said 'Ask him to email us a picture. He sounds hot.' "
52. "Hey, is my dress cute or slutty?" "It's cute." "Thanks." "If you're a slut."
53. "Did a goat lick the side of his head?"
54. "son of a bitch, there's gravy in my bed."
55. "I may or may not have told my boss it was a total clusterfuck."
56. "Tropical Storm Danny was just categorized as a disorganized piece of garbage."
57. "I told him I wanted a kitty for Christmas, but he got me a fish. So, I named him Kitty."
58. "I'm gonna impregnate me a white woman tonight."
59. "I like living with her and all, but now that she's gone I can go back to doing what I do best, giving blow jobs."
60. "Put it by my mouth and I'll do it."
61. "Clown porn is a romantic comedy."
62. "I'm drinking boxed wine because I'm classy. Like the rose of the trailer park."
63. "You smell like a girl today. Why don't you come in my office and we can shut the blinds?"
64. "NO, I don't want to buy fucking diapers for her baby shower. It's a matter of principle."
65. "Last night I watched a special on the 21 Sexiest Beaches. I want to go to all 21 of those beaches."
66. "I felt like your stupid snake was getting lonely so I talked to her for awhile." "Snakes don't have ears. She heard nothing."

Tuesday, April 20, 2010

Let's see how my garage sale copy goes...

Garage Sale at OAKLEAF NEXT SATURDAY 4/24 - $1 (642 wakeview Date: 2010-04-17, 8:37PM EDT
Reply to: [Errors when replying to ads?]

We will have a garage sale next saturday the 24th...we have men's clothes , woman clothes, girls teen ager clothes, boys 8-12 clothes, shoes shoes shoes and more shoes from $1....old fashion pressure washer, office furnitures and desks and chairs! many figurines!!! area rugs,battery car booster,and many many more!!! come check us out starting from 8am- 2pm...i will have signs!!!

me to garage sale queen:
Hello Neighbor,
I live quite near you, and unfortunately, I'm going to have to ask you to postpone your garage sale for another time, perhaps next month. This Saturday (4/24) I am hosting my annual world class garage sale. I expect hundreds of buyers from near and far, and cannot have them confusing my garage sale for yours. I am having an open bar and a string quartet, you are more than welcome to come by and enjoy a glass of wine and some lovely music. Thanks for your help.

Jake Dimsmore

J ****** to me
where will your garage sale be at?

Me to J ******
On Wakeview just past Worthington Oaks. Once again, I'm terribly sorry for the inconvenience, but I'm sure you understand that my world class garage sale is a rather important event. There will be visitors from all over the region, and as lovely as your garage sale will be with the fine $1 items you're offering, I just can't take the chance that someone will mistake your much lesser known garage sale for my world class garage sale. Thanks again.
J****** to me
I understand! I'll postpone mine til next saturday. what are you selling that make your garage sale world class if you don't mind me asking?

Me to J ******
Mostly bird baths, for starters. Attached is one I recently acquired, sure to be a bestseller. Miniature grills, homemade windchimes. You'd be amazed by how many people adore homemade beer & soda can wind chimes. It's inspiring to see how many people are enthusiasts about recycling. I'll let you in on a little secret though, since you were so kind as to postpone your little event in honor of my world class garage sale. I recently talked my wife's mother and my grandmother into moving into "homes" and allowing me to distribute their things amongst family members, but for the most part I'm going to be selling their things, so plan on seeing lots of vintage jewelry, handbags, least 1 motorized wheelchair. My mother-in-law worked on a design team with Coco Chanel and has a lot of stuff that looks really valuable, so I imagine it will sell very nicely. I've advertised from Orlando to Charleston. You can't miss it. In fact, I'll give you a 5% discount on any item under $50 if you mention this email.


J****** to me:
how come I don't see any adds from you about your garage sale on craigslist?

Me to J******:
Well, no offense, but I advertise in garage sale periodicals, not on craigslist. If you want to hold a world class garage sale, you have to use world class advertising.

I want to motivate today's youth!

Original post:
Looking for 1 - 2 Event speakers for an up coming local event
past military or past public speaking is a plus, must appear 18-24 years of age
must feel comfortable on stage in front of students, teachers or parents
you will be working on stage interacting with music and videos,
we are a patriotic organization, that is family oriented and is faith based,
appearance and stage presence is the key. College students are welcome
must be able practice one day a week, usually on wed, all shows are held at night
please respond via emailo to, request bio and a pic
you may call at xxx-xxx-xxxx please leave a message, ask for Don
this is a paid gig, but it is also a place that you can make a difference.

Me to Don:
Hello Don,
I saw your ad completely by chance, but I would be a great fit for this speaking. I have never had the honor of serving my country, because I was born with my spleen on the outside of my body, which has since been fixed up, so don't you worry. I do have experience in speaking at rallies. I love my country with every fiber of my bean, and I have a lot to pass down to farther generations. Unfortunately, I can't have kids because of some steroid stuff I went through as a younger man, so I want to help the youth of today but don't often get the chance. I would talk about the importance of God, Country, and Patriotism. I would talk about how our country is in their hands, even though it seems crazy now, what with women taking men's jobs instead of old ways. Our children can fix that right up. I'd love to meet with you Don, and talk about this farther. I think we can really make a difference if we try. You'll have to come to my house (well, my mother's house) because I can't "technically" leave just yet (ran into a little trouble with the law here recently, but nothing too bad, so don't worry), but Mother can make us a fine lunch while we get to know one another and talk about what I can say to the youngsters. Shoot me an email back with a date and time that works for you (our phone is shut off) and we'll figure something out.

Jake Dimsmore

She's just too doggone nice...

Original CL Post:
My name is Kristin and I love dogs! I’ve been providing professional care for dogs in my home for over 3 years.At this time I can only watch small dogs under 35 pound and 2 at the same time. My idea of care doesn’t involve cages and the occasional walk. We have private pouch that our guest loves. At Kristin's it a unique cage-free environment where dogs get to be dogs. I provides endless opportunity for dogs to burn off energy, play with friends all day long. Inside are comfy dog beds and couches to curl up on to nap during the day and sleep at night. A wide variety of friendly and balanced dog guests provide great companionship and socialization. Dogs are pack animals who thrive best in the company of other dogs and humans. At Kristin's dogs aren’t locked away alone in cages and exercised once or twice a day. Here they live in a family environment where they’re able to get plenty of exercise, play, and affection. Dogs thrive best when kept on a consistent diet. To keep your dog’s tummy healthy, I ask that you provide me with the food that your dog normally eats for his stay here. I am happy to administer any medications.

My response to Kristen:
Dear Kristen,
My wife and I are going to be leaving for a lengthy trip and are looking for someone to care for our dog. She is elderly, very sweet, and not too much of a nuisance. We live in the Mandarin area so that would be quite convenient. I just have some basic questions, and then you may ask any questions you have of us (I'd offer to call but my wife is pretty jealous and at least this way I can prove that there were NO sexual undertones pertaining to this situation).

1. What is the oldest dog you have cared for?
2. Do you have any children?
3. What vet do you use in case of emergencies?
4. Have you ever handled a blind dog before?

Aggie is about 25 lbs, btw.

Jake Dimsmore

Kristen to Me:
Well my baby is 10 years old.So i have a senior dog.Her name is sasha is a little Pomeranian.No children at this time.Just me and my husband.I work from home so here all day and sunbeam vet is next door.Yes i work with old dog and newborn animal.I work a pet shop and been a grooming for a 2 years.please feel free to ask me anything else.Hope to hear from you soon

Me to Kristen
Ok, I'm relieved that you don't have kids- I didn't want to come out and say it, but Aggie hates children with a passion. That's part of the reason we moved to Florida, we had a couple of incidents in North Carolina. So that's no problem. Aggie is blind, and for the most part, does NOT like to be bothered. If she growls, she means business. She needs a bath every other day (she gets pretty stinky in her old age; well, that and she's a gassy girl), and needs to be combed out after. As long as you sing to her while you're combing her hair, she tends to allow it. She likes most children's songs, but as long as it isn't Britney Spears or the Lady singer who sings Poker face, you're fine. She hates those two especially. She eats twice a day, and takes 3 pills in the morning (mostly for her arthritis) and 2 in the evening (to stimulate her bowels). She goes to bed PRECISELY at 9 pm. We usually read to her for 5-10 minutes, then tuck her in with her "blanky", and she's out like a light. She doesn't need walks because her feet and hips get sore, but she still likes to show off her tricks, so we do that several times a day with her to keep up her self-confidence and sense of worth. She hates loud noises, so please refrain from that as much as possible. She hates when you shut the door if she's nearby (it hurts her feelings), so please be aware of that. Besides that, she really is easy because she minds her business. If she throws up her food, you might want to add some milk to it, or blend it up, that helps. Any questions from your end? It would be for about 10 days. How much do you charge for that period of time?


Kristen to me:

Well I think she would fit in here perfect.It's very quite here.My dogs are very lay back and we have back pouch to hang out on.That is so super cute that sing and read to her my husband loves read to me,he would love to reading to her.Do you know when it will be when you need to leave her and it's $25 a night but be for 10 days.I think we can may a little bit cheap on you.$175 for all 10 days let me know if this in your price range.


Me to Kristin:
We’re leaving from May 1st-10th, and going on an Alaskan cruise. We won’t be able to check in, which brings me to my next couple of issues. I would greatly appreciate it if I leave my video camera with you and you could video tape some time spent with Aggie. It would really just ease my wife’s nerves- she’s always afraid that Aggie will suffer post-traumatic stress if we leave her, thus our first trip together since we got married 8 years ago. The other thing is obviously Aggie, at the age of 17, is near the end of her rope. We’ve got to face the facts. It is essential that if Aggie passes while we're gone, that you give her a proper funeral, following our guidelines. You, as a dog owner, can only imagine how important that is. We'll leave "emergency money" of course, but I absolutely have to know that you'll give her the very detailed, proper funeral that she deserves if the need arises. This too, would be videotaped. Our friend Karen will probably stop by your house once or twice a day just to make sure everything is ok. I'm glad to hear that your husband enjoys reading, that took a major load off my mind. We really need this trip, we haven't had sex in about 14 months because my wife is scared that Aggie will feel jealous of our affections (and of course, we can't close the door). I am looking forward to going to town on the missus and I am so relieved that you are willing to handle these issues. We have her funeral planned out, and the only thing we'd change in your circumstance is that you wouldn't actually put her in the ground, unless it's right after we leave, then we can dig her up, but otherwise, you can just keep her in her coffin somewhere outside so the smell doesn't bother her. We'll make it an even $200 for your kindness.


***Attached Aggie's Funeral instructions***

Agatha McDoggerson Dimsmore
June 14, 1993-
1. Aggie is to be bathed and brushed carefully after her death.
2. Take off collar and tie yellow bow around her neck.
3. Wrap in her favorite blanky and place in custom made cherry finished dog coffin.
4. Say “Knowing” prayer:
a. Knowing
If I had known that on that day our time was near the end
I would have done things differently, my forever friend.
I would have stayed right next to you deep into the night
but I thought I'd see you in the early morning light.

And so I said "Good night" to you as I walked in through the door
never thinking of the time when I'd see you no more.
But if I had known that on that day our time was at the end
I would have done things so differently, my forever friend.

Written by Sally Evans for Shoo-Fly
5. Say “A Dog for Jesus” prayer
a. A Dog for Jesus
(Where dogs go when they die)

I wish someone had given Jesus a dog.
As loyal and loving as mine.
To sleep by His manger and gaze in His eyes
And adore Him for being divine.

As our Lord grew to manhood His faithful dog,
Would have followed Him all through the day.
While He preached to the crowds and made the sick well
And knelt in the garden to pray.
It is sad to remember that Christ went away.
To face death alone and apart.
With no tender dog following close behind,
To comfort its Master's Heart.
And when Jesus rose on that Easter morn,
How happy He would have been,
As His dog kissed His hand and barked it's delight,
For The One who died for all men.

Well, the Lord has a dog now, I just sent Him mine,
The old pal so dear to me.
And I smile through my tears on this first day alone,
Knowing they're in eternity.
Day after day, the whole day through,
Wherever my road inclined,
Four feet said, "Wait, I'm coming with you!"
And trotted along behind.

Rudyard Kipling
6. Sing “Amazing Grace”.
7. 1 minute of silence for each year of Aggie’s life.
8. Put in CD: 1st song “ My Heart will go on”. Reflect quietly.
9. 2nd song: play while lowering her casket into the ground. (trumpet taps). Afterwards, throw flowers (lilies preferably) on her casket before covering with dirt.

Me to Kristen:
And you know Kristen, to be honest, I know no one wants to be around a dead beloved pet, but it might be easier on my wife if Aggie goes while we're gone. So, if you notice signs of death, just let her go. Don't call the vet unless it's an emergency in the sense of a broken limb. If she's on her way out, do not rescusitate. I will sign papers if that helps, so you can't be held accountable for not saving her.


Me to Kristen:

Never did hear back from you. I'd like to come by next week to sign the paperwork and get info for a background check. When's a good day/time for you?


Welcome :)

So, now we have something easy & FUN to do while we're bored, courtesy of! I'll kick things off with a couple of fun ones from myself. If you'd like to contribute, email it to me & I'll share.